Digital Detox

Hot Springs. God. Humility.

Excited to bask in the singleness on my terms in nature, I ventured to Breitenbush Hot Springs for a personal 1 day retreat.

What will come? Will I be a new version of myself? I felt called to come back here all on my own after experiencing a revelation on the last girls trip here.

Only God as my witness, this pen and paper, the unfamiliar people that are here, the squirrels, the fairies and the water babies, I started my journey first by dropping in.

Immediately, I felt one with my surroundings, the trees, fresh pine needle scent brushing against all my sensory glands. The refreshing lull of a cricket’s song fills my eardrum and the trickle of soft water falling over rocks sings my name, calling me closer. I walk right then down, down, down. Down to a place that veers a sudden left yet somehow knows me. A maze of empty claw-foot bathtubs greets me. I pick my way through to a quaint bathtub with an octopus painted on the side just for me to sink into.

I smile, and the sun lights up my face. Basking in the glory of the soak, I begin to pray. As I dip my body from hot to cold, I am pleased about the nudge I got to come here in the first place. I made a decision (that can be difficult for me sometimes) but I made it and was happy about it.

My purpose in coming here was initially to get away from the screens and then it morphed into a moment to surrender to God. I soaked and prayed, soaked and prayed. I asked Him, “What did you intend me to do when you made me? How do you see me?”

I am praying, but I am begging to hear God’s voice. I am crying, asking for guidance. Words pour in over and over in my mind. Abundant, determined, fierce.

As I whisper the prayers naked in my octopus tub, overflowing with sacred water, my eyes flutter open, and a dragonfly lands by me. The sun makes a last attempt to burn me, and then it disappears behind a cloud. That was all I needed to know that the Holy Spirit was filling me up and guiding me. I decided, I don’t need to beg now, I’ll listen.

Lord, how do you see me?

Clearly, radiant, raw, distracted, determined. calm.

I made you to help mothers, especially the ones with no mother or mothers who were emotionally and spiritually unavailable.

I open my eyes again and see a second huge dragonfly land on the bench next to me. God has spoken and the dragonfly confirms my path.

—I leave the tub to go and get my things to move into my beautiful canvas tent in the forest for the night. As I approach my car, I notice a curious gentleman is parked next to me in a dilapidated, rusted out 4 door sedan circa 1986.

I am suspicious and I think about my dad and his brothers. I am reminded of how they valued the look of a shitty car. The shittier your car, paired with a giant bank account, meant something to them. They thought it was a humble gesture to drive a broken-down car and secretly be a millionaire.

To me, this was very frustrating and probably the dumbest thing I had ever heard.

I had been stranded with my parents on multiple occasions on the side of the road. How did driving a shit car prove anything about my humility? Would it mean that if I became a millionaire, I would be expected to drive a 1980s volvo to work every day so I could be accepted by my family? I hope not!

The man parked next to me dressed like a professor. His hair curls cut like Bob Ross, round, neat, and tidy. He wore clean slacks and a button-down shirt. The car did not match the man. Uhg I kept thinking to myself. He’s just like them (my dad’s side of the family), how annoying. Yet I did feel a pang of sadness for him. Pity, perhaps… like maybe he is only very delusional, trapped by his guilt. He obviously can afford to stay here overnight, which is over $100 per night.

The poor professor, I thought, on his own, gifting himself this small vacation before school starts up again. Shuffling himself through the mess hall, he parked himself again, right next to me. I scooted uncomfortably down the food buffet line. I watch him fill his plate with food, fresh food, I think he must be admitting to himself he could never cook like this. And as his hand shakes, his feeble arms carry more food than they have in a long time. He is excited to be here…

He plops himself next to a couple and begins to strike up the first conversation he’s had in the last week. He speaks about his work with the trees. The white pine’s, as he forgets the words, he realizes his brain is not as spry as it used to be. He sputters what is left about the Douglas firs and the hikes he took before the 2020 fire. The couple is bored now, struggling to follow, but continues to carry on, wanting only to be polite.

I refocus back on me and my journey. I wonder how long I will be annoyed by him. I let it go and beg that I don’t run into him butt ass naked in the holy sanctuary hot springs. Please God.

—-Bright purple flowers rising like a fire flame. Mimicking the past fire. Non-threatening. Settled in front of the river. I belong here. The sound of the water washing fast over the rocks soothes me. I seek the calm rushing sound it makes.

Who am I to have this incredible experience in nature?

I have exchanged words with only a few people. It has been nice.

I get to RELAX.

No teaching. no working. just writing and being.

I wonder about people like the professor and his mother. Anytime I am annoyed by someone I will think of them as a small child or when they were a baby. It makes them less threatening. I pray for them and I move on.

I never saw the professor again. I saw his car on my way out and wondered who was going to jump it when he left, seeing as his door was left open all night. Humbling annoying.

NOT ME.

Another very curious thing happened to me at the hot springs. I learned that my natal Sun in Sagittarius trine’s my natal Jupiter. What I discovered is that this harmonious aspect will help me show up in expansive and inspiring ways. The book said, “That by following my faith, I will create my own luck.” That this is the strongest trine that ANY planet can receive. Because of this aspect, I get a certain kind of protection and luck! Thanks, Chani Nicholas, for the encouraging words!

This struck me as divine timing. I have been wondering for a very long time about my faith. I felt for the longest time like a fake. Like I needed to define my religion or my spirituality.

I can go to church, but it doesn’t mean I have to be a Christian. I can love Jesus but have my own personal connection to how I know him. I get to have my own conception of God because God is not a person; He (they/them/it) is a feeling of faith. I found Jesus on my own. I found God in a bottle. I get to stand in my own belief and take what resonates with me and leave the rest.

I don’t need to shy away from religion but see what they have to offer on my spiritual journey. I don’t need to preach the gospel but become humble enough to hear what it is trying to convey.

I don’t need to drive a shitty car to prove that I am a humble person. And I certainly don’t need to label my faith to become a spiritual being.

My last soak before I left the hot springs occurred in the spiral tubs. They are one of my favorite places to soak. There are four tubs, each labeled south, east, north and west. The pools go from warm to hot. Then there is a cold tub made in wood outside of the four cement pools. I used to hate going from hot to cold and couldn’t do it. Now I have no problem welcoming the cold water to envelope my body.

It was about 10 am out and several people were in the tubs. I gazed down to see my toes in the hottest tub, the west tub, and noticed there was a very distinct, bright blue, almost neon outline forming over my toes. I thought that was odd and blinked to make sure I was seeing straight. The blue got brighter and as I raised my feet to the surface, the blue disappeared. I figured since it was glacier water and my feet were white that some sort of light refractive was happening. I then brought my hands into the water and noticed blue on the right side and a copper orange outline on the left side of my hand. Ok I thought “am I witnessing my circulation?” Maybe I had been in the hot tub too long, so I moved to the cold tub and saw the blue outline again around my feet.

Baffled, I got out and drank some water. What was happening?

I dipped back into the hottest one, and again the blue outlined my feet, but even brighter than the last time. I looked around to see if anyone else saw it and no one did. I felt a little crazy so I got out and thought I'd better eat a snack.

I am still a bit mystified about my experience. There must be some sort of scientific explanation, don’t you think?

Packing up my things I made a promise that the next time I came here it would be for two nights instead of one. I thought about how much I would miss the crickets, the delicious food and the peace I felt the minute I walked in. I made a promise that I would talk differently to myself. That I would stop announcing my failures and start celebrating others more often.

As I got back into service, my phone was filled with messages saying I had made my first sale in my business…

Fancy that.